can we talk about something for a minute? it’s something that weighs on me heavily, and i feel like i need to visualize it, in order to accept it.
i’m a failure.
for the longest time, i’ve said that the worst insult that could be lobbied against me would be that i was a failure. i fought long and hard at every possible thing i did, to make sure i didn’t fail at whatever it was, but in the end, i can’t fight it. i’m a failure. even if it’s only in my own head, even if nobody else sees it but me, there’s a glaring neon sign in front of my face with the word FAILURE emblazoned in screaming red.
i don’t know where it comes from. i’m sure there was something in my childhood that i could point to, or a series of things that compounded to have made it happen, but for most of my life i’ve fought the fear of being “enough.” i’m not smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, nice enough, proper enough, popular enough, wealthy enough, friendly enough, helpful enough, working enough, talented enough, tall enough, short enough, skinny enough, curvy enough, thoughtful enough… i’m not good enough. i’m not enough.
i’m afraid of myself. i’m afraid and ashamed of who i am.
i find myself at a place where i feel that i have failed at every single thing. everything i had is gone. everything i’ve done is lost. and it’s my fault. if only i had tried harder, been a better wife, been a harder working employee… if only i weren’t so weird. if only i weren’t so needy and maybe if i had been more considerate. maybe i wouldn’t be the doormat… maybe i wouldn’t be so forgettable… maybe i wouldn’t be an outsider… maybe i wouldn’t be alone.
nobody can hurt me as badly as i can. nobody realizes how ugly i am in here. i’m good at smiling and pretending it’s ok, but it’s not. i’m not.
i hate myself and you deserve better.