new job: take 3

since trying to re-enter the workforce, at the end of last year, i’ve had a lot of disappointment. turns out, within the given limitations of my physical and financial situation, it’s really hard to actually FIND a job to even apply for. something i can physically and mentally handle that isn’t going to disqualify me for disability? the list is very short.

for a while there i worked at a consignment store, and i loved it, except it was physically demanding and ultimately i had to quit that job. 15 hours per week was more than i could physically handle, but since i was only making minimum wage it wasn’t enough to pay my bills.

my next job was as the executive assistant to the president/ceo of a youth lacrosse organization. i have never in my life had a boss that demanded so much, and trusted me so little. within just a couple months it had sent me spiraling into a full-blown depression, with daily anxiety attacks, and weekly full-blown nervous breakdowns. even though this was a telecommute job, working 15-20 hours per week, and paid my bills quite sufficiently, i couldn’t mentally or emotionally handle the demands put on me.

so, now i’m going to try something different. beginning next week i will be a virtual personal assistant. the hours will be less, but still pay enough to cover my bills. i’m hoping it will be much lower stress than my soon-to-be-former job. i’ll still get to work from home, so i can still do it when i’m feeling well enough, and sit around in bed when i’m not. it should still allow me the scheduling freedom to continue driving my friend to work until she can get her driver’s license back, which will hopefully be within the next month or two. i love her dearly, but driving a taxi isn’t exactly what i wanted to do with my life.

maybe with my spare time i’ll take up quilting again…

winning at adulting

last night my roommates decided we should have waffles for dinner, because they win at adulting. they made cinnamon waffles with chocolate cream cheese glaze/frosting/spread. it was more amazing than you are imagining right now.

we had a whole lot of the chocolate stuff left, though, so today for lunch i made myself a wrap with some of that and some peanut butter on a tortilla. omgyouguys. srsly. i will probably be very sick in the not too distant future, but right at this moment i do not even have a single fuck to give. i regret nothing.

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“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.” – Agatha Christie

there is no escape

i woke up this morning with my heart racing, from the grips of a terrible nightmare.

i had finally decided to remarry, but bryan showed up to the wedding. he came to the reception just to tell me i could never escape. no matter how far i run or how many times i move, he will always find me. and just to top it all off, he congratulated me on gaining weight, and told me i’m even uglier and fatter than he remembered.

i finally stood up to him and told him what i’ve wanted to tell him for so long. “you’re the worst person i have ever known, and i hate you. you’re pathetic and i am ashamed of myself for ever tying my name to yours. i want to kill myself every time i think of having been with you. i hope you die penniless and alone. really, i just hope you die.” to which everyone in the reception hall cheered, and he stormed out of the room.

later that day, upon returning to the house we had rented as the honeymoon suite, i discovered the front door smashed in. everything in the house was smashed, including my driver’s license, and my wedding dress, which i had apparently changed out of at some point. axel had been in the house, and he took axel, which was the most devastating part. i ran outside screaming and sobbing “HE TOOK AXEL! HE TOOK AXEL! HE TOOK MY BABY!”, at which point a mob of men showed up which he had hired to beat and rape me.

thankfully some of the guys from the wedding reception arrived just as the mob was backing me into a corner, and managed to fight them all off, but i even now that i’m awake i can’t shake this feeling.

i can never escape. there is no moving on. the specter of bryan is going to haunt me forever. there is no peace, and even now, two years separated, i live in fear that he’s going to show up any day.

so, that happened.