To be apparent

Growing up, I never wanted to be a wife or a mother. That’s not to say that I never wanted to be loved, or in a committed relationship, just that I never wanted to be legally tied to another person. That’s not to say that I didn’t want to have a positive impact on lives or provide nurturing to those in my life that needed it, just that I never wanted to make a child or raise one.

Two years ago I met a man that changed my life. I fell in love more than I thought I could. As a single father, looking to remarry, he was exactly the kind of person I was specifically not looking for, and yet, a year since we broke up, I can’t let go.

He says he loves me, that he’s finally realized what’s missing from his life and it’s me. He says he hates his life and the path he’s on, and it’s because I’m not on it with him.

For him, i’m actually considering the possibility of sticking around and helping to raise his children. Not as a nanny and a house keeper, this time, but as his partner. I’m actually contemplating what I would say if he asked me to marry him.
I wish you could meet him, E. I wish you could tell me if I’m about to do something stupid again or if I actually found a good one this time. I don’t trust myself to know anymore.

Forever alone

When my dad died, my mom’s mourning period seemed extraordinarily short to people on the outside, but those that knew them understood that she had grieved the loss of him long before his physical death. For years she had watched him deteriorate little by little, until there was nothing left of the man she married.

For me, the divorce was much the same. I grieved the death of my marriage years before I actually left, and the signing of papers was merely a formality. I knew before we got married that it wasn’t going to last and looking back now, the year before the wedding I was already depressed and becoming suicidal at the thought of being with him. It’s a miracle I lasted as long as i did before walking away.

The thing is, in a situation like that, even though it looks to everyone else like you are in a relationship, from the inside you’re alone, and by the time it’s over, all you want is companionship already. I felt so dead inside for so long that now that I’m free, i’m desperate to be loved. It seems a little pathetic, but I need to be needed. I’m impatient for it. Consequently, my judgment is clouded and my standards are extremely low. I show total disregard for myself or my well-being. There is no self-respect left.

I need to find inner peace and learn how to love myself, by myself. I need to learn to embrace the quiet and accept the emptiness. Maybe I’ll become that crazy dog lady after all.

better is relative

so, after almost an entire week of being food intolerant, i was finally able to keep food in my body for more than an hour on saturday night. in fact, i managed to get it to stay put all night without incident. a week is a long time to go without food and by the end i was dehydrated, weak, sore, and just plain exhausted. since saturday night, i’ve been able to eat relatively normally again, but starting sunday morning i have had a blinding headache for the last three days. i guess that’s better? it’s tough to keep my eyes open and i just want to sleep. it feels like someone is trying to pluck my eyes out with spoons.

out of retaliation for last week’s in ability to eat anything, somehow this week i can’t stop eating everything in the house. due to the incapacitating headaches, piyo is getting put off for another week. next week is going to be so hard after two weeks off… omg…

piyo day… something…

monday evening i started feeling unwell, and spent the night running back and forth to the bathroom. i spent all of tuesday sleeping, only dragging myself out of bed to go to a job interview, then take my friend to work, and run home again just in time for my body to resume evacuation of everything i’ve eaten in the last few days. today, wednesday, is either day 2 or day 3, depending on how you look at it (it’s less than 48 hours, but it’s the third separate calendar day) and i’m not sure how my body is still finding more, but it had better stop soon because i have to work this evening. meanwhile, i’m weak, sore, exhausted, dehydrated, and very very tired. i just want to sleep for the next few days.

what i’m trying to say is that piyo is on hold until this all blows over. i managed to get through week 7 day 1 before everything went to hell, but then nothing after that, so probably i’ll just take the rest of this week off then start week 7 over on monday next week.

piyo day 43: sculpt

the last time i tried this, i had hamstring cramps for the rest of the day, and the next. i knew that i wasn’t going to complete any running after this, so i did the sculpt video, then i did the define: lower body video, because it’s mostly yoga and stretching. i just needed a win today.

i was right. i managed to get through the workout successfully, and now, at the end of the day, i feel largely ok. good job, self.

piyo day 40: strength intervals

there was less leg cramping today, which i appreciate. yesterday, after my hamstring locked up during my video, my calves both locked up after my run, so i spent the rest of the day in pain. thankfully, aside from the usual and expected burning in my thighs from the workout, i seem to be otherwise ok today. we’ll see how my calves feel after my run, but so far so good.

so, that happened.