you don’t have the munchies. you’re not actually hungry. it’s 10:45 pm, and you’re fine.
go to bed.
i finally willed myself to work out. it was quick and low-effort. just enough to make me feel like i at least went through the motions, without really over exerting myself. or, exerting myself at all, really. the problem is that the last week or two my body has been acting very strangely. i’ve been having a lot of pain when i eat, everything makes me nauseous, sweaty, and dizzy, and my abdomen hurts in the area of my incisions. i don’t know what’s causing any of it, and i can’t go see a doctor to find out. i really worry that i’m developing another hernia, though it doesn’t feel like there’s anything amiss when i press on my abdomen with my fingers.
things that don’t normally give me problems, or didn’t give me problems just the day before, will give me stomach pain, but i wonder if it’s me simply eating beyond capacity, then eating more.
there seems to be a disconnect between my brain and my stomach. earlier tonight, we had a small dinner. i had a soft taco sized flour tortilla with pulled pork, grilled chicken, and cheese. it was just about the 2 oz serving size, maybe a little bigger, but certainly not overflowing. certainly less than a cup of food total, which is what i should be able to eat comfortably. except, i finished eating and my brain said i still wanted to eat. not that i was hungry, or that i needed more food, but that i wanted to eat. i wanted the sensation of eating. at the same time, my stomach was cramping, and i could feel my body fighting the urge to throw up.
i’m trying gum right now, to see if that helps temper the urge to eat. my abdomen still hurts, especially right below my sternum. i’m coming up on 2 years since my original surgery, and i don’t feel like i’ve made any progress in retraining my brain to match this new body.
trying to talk myself into working out. somewhere just shy of two months ago, my life went crazy, and everything fell apart. i stopped working out, i started stress eating, and recently i discovered that i’m quite unhappy with the toll this has taken on my body. i finally got things right where i wanted them, and now it’s all going to hell in a handbasket!
we cannot let this happen. simply, no. come on, self… pull yourself together!
I had some pho today. It was delicious and everything I dreamed it would be. I had just the one bowl and afterward I felt generally fine. Fast forward several hours and I had some more. This time I had half as much, because it’s night and I don’t need that much. Before I even finished the bowl my belly had swelled up and become hard on the right side, with waves of cramps rippling across my abdomen. I have no idea what the hell happened or why it was different this time.
Thank you, body for making no sense.
i haven’t had a haircut since some time last summer. august, i think it was… my hair is at this obnoxious length where it’s long enough in the back to pull into a full-fledged ponytail, but the front is still too short to stay put. i’m at a crossroads where i either need to cut it all off, or decide it’s time to grow it back out.
on the one hand, i’m developing a serious case of “crazy cat lady” hair, which is no good. on the other hand, i’m also cultivating a great set of ringlet curls just below/behind my ears and i haven’t had that since i was a kid. seems a shame to destroy perfectly good ringlet curls…
Spent the day inhaling cleaning solvent fumes. I feel absolutely brain dead. I just went to the store and stood there staring at the thing I needed to get until the clerk came and asked if he could help me find anything. I blinked at him a couple times before it registered what he had said, and I finally pointed at the bottle I’d been staring at. “nope, I found it. I think….”
Ugh. I need a nap.