weekly weigh-in

weight: 116.4 lbs
water: 52.5%
body fat: 23.5%

waist: 24″
belly: 29″
hips: 32″
butt: 37.5″
thigh: 21.5″

theoretically i have had a nearly 2k calorie deficit over the last 4 days. i did my yoga every day, and did 5 miles of walking on 3 of the 4 days. i ran the stairs and have only had 1 day below 15 flights. today, despite my water level being down (which explains the slight headache) i am up 1.5 lbs from last friday, and .5″ across my whole body, including my thighs which almost never see weight fluctuation. this is disappointing and disheartening.

Fallout

Today I just want to sleep, and keep sleeping. After yesterday’s emotional explosion, today I feel wiped out. This is the part where I feel truly depressed.

Just go away. Leave me alone and let me sit in the darkness.

MAKE IT STOP

today i found the edge of myself. i hit the wall.

i have been on the verge of a complete mental break for some time now. weeks? months? i don’t know. it feels like a long time. i forget what it feels like to be truly at peace. i keep trying and all i find is more anger, heaped upon anger. pain and frustration and really, a lot of anger. violent, festering, furious anger. i want to fight. i want to break things. i want to smash everything. i want to throw and hit and scream.

today i reached the end of what i could take, and i lost myself in the screaming. the sobbing on the floor, the punching the wall until my hand hurt, the bloody screaming until i was horse and winded and light headed. today i broke and i collapsed and today i can’t take any more. curled in a ball on my dog’s bed in the corner, rocking and sobbing, i let myself cry. long and hard and ugly, i cried.

MAKE IT STOP. GO AWAY. EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE JUST GO AWAY.

i can’t make it quiet. i can’t make it stop. i can’t find peace. i can’t run far enough or fast enough to heal myself and the worst part is i don’t even know what’s broken, or what i’m trying to fix. it all feels so normal. i don’t know what’s wrong but i’m pretty sure it’s everything.

no, i don’t want a hug.

i give up

while doing my bedtime yoga, i found myself on the floor sobbing uncontrollably for no apparent reason. certainly my stomach hurt, but it always hurts. i had a fight with my boss this morning and i have felt stressed about that all day, but it’s monday. mondays always suck. i ended up turning off the video before it was done, because i just couldn’t get through it.

once i calmed myself a bit, i decided i should have some tea to help me relax before bed. the ball fell open as i was straining it after it steeped, dumping all the loose, soggy tea bits into the cup. had to strain it out into a bowl, and managed to dump about a third of the cup of hot tea onto the kitchen table.

screw you, monday. i’m going to bed.

making changes

once i got my fitbit i was able to accurately assess what was going on with my body when doing PiYO. what i discovered is that it’s become so easy, after 5 months, that i barely break a sweat, and my heart rate sometimes doesn’t even get above 100 bpm. it’s time for a new challenge.

i have decided that i like the pilates/yoga thing, and i feel stronger, calmer, and more flexible without hurting myself. considering the state of my body, hurting myself is a very easy thing to do. so i spent some time poking around and found a couple 30 Day Yoga Challenge video sets on youtube. i combined them into a single playlist, with 2 yoga videos and a meditation video for each day. i figure this should give me a variety of different things to do each day, to keep things interesting, and make the workout set long enough to be worth my time.

today was day 1.

being that they were all introductory videos, they moved very slowly. i mean, like really slowly. so slowly, in fact, that my heart rate dropped lower than my resting rate, which meant i actually burned LESS calories doing the workout than i would have if i had just sat in my chair and kept working. good for my mind, and i certainly felt more calm and stretched out afterward, but not so great for allowing me to fit dinner into my calories for the day. here’s hoping tomorrow is a little more challenging.

10 Houseplants That Ease Stress, Purify Your Home, And Are Impossible To Kill

 

my mom had a lot of these when i was growing up. given that i’m prone to killing plants, i tend not to keep them around. maybe i should look into some of these, though… i think my living space could benefit.

Houseplants are a truly delightful addition to any home. They’re a great decoration, but they also have profound impacts besides just looking good.

Source: 10 Houseplants That Ease Stress, Purify Your Home, And Are Impossible To Kill

so, that happened.